limbo
I’ve been trying to write down in my notebook how I am feeling at the moment, just to try and untangle the mess of unhelpful thoughts bashing against each other in my head. I haven’t come up with much, just long lists of things.
I thought I’d try and set goals, because apparently that helps you achieve things in life. But the problem is I’m finding it really hard to actually define anything I want to aim for. I’m thinking this is the depression cloud fogging up my vision, because really there are so many things I could do. But I start to think about anything beyond next week, and it’s just blank. I feel like Sara in the Labyrinth, running along the wall outside, unable to see the entrances that are right in front of her and starting to panic.
The only goal I’ve had any success with so far is losing weight. I aimed to lose at least 5kgs between October and December, and I lost 7.5. Which is great! I have to keep remembering that this is great.
But work…what do I want to do? Get money. How do I want to do that? I. Don’t. Know.
Living…where do I want to live? Here. I don’t want to move. My friends are here. My church is here. We have space and a yard and a spare room. But we can’t afford to live here. So where do I look? I. Don’t. Know.
I started asking, well, what’s the point? And I know what the point is. My point of being here is to glorify God. In my life, in my speech, in my thoughts, in everything. And he has never failed to provide for me. I trust him.
I’m trying to be still, and meditate on that. But keeping the panic at bay and not crying and not despairing and not descending into a spiral of “what a mess of a life you’ve made” is really quite hard.
God, give me strength!
Read MoreSonambulist
I’m heading into the city for an informal interview for some casual work. I wish I could be excited about it. But it’s only a treading water step so it feels like nothing, even though it’s important I earn money and it would be doing good work.
All morning I’ve just felt anxious and useless, though I know I’m not. I read my Bible. I got some things done for this weekend’s MasterCarols at church. I spoke to my Tupperware area manager. I did my washing.
But it feels like I’m just asleep. I wish I could wake up.
Read MoreKinds of Blue – now in 3D!
No, we haven’t moved on to gimmicky filmmaking…I just mean that the book is finally here and you can buy it! It’s real and papery and shiny and beautiful and I still can barely believe that it actually exists in physical form even though I’ve been carting boxes of them around in our car for the last week!
We launched the book at the Berkelouw cafe in Newtown last Monday. It was such a positive night, with around 100 people stuffed into the space where the book began, all celebrating with us.
Crowding in for the launch
I’m so proud of everyone involved in this project, especially Karen and Guan, who constantly amaze me with their drive and motivation. I think our partnership has worked quite well in that we manage to encourage and poke each other along when one or another of us falls down (hey, what do you know? The Bible was right! (Guan seems to have a thing for these three-person collaborations)).
pseudo-Asian Hive Mind
pseudo-serious Hive Mind
The image in my mind of the whole Kinds of Blue thing has been a bit like clambering onto a runaway stagecoach somehow (because hey, they’re a common occurrence these days), and then finding a whole bunch of other cool people inside and so not minding that the whole thing feels a bit insane and unbelievable, or that nobody knows where we’ll end up. The momentum is kind of fun.
some of the KOB collaborators
So I’m excited to announce that if you want to see what we’ve been doing in this here stagecoach, you can buy a copy of Kinds of Blue for yourself! It looks fantastic online, that’s true, but you have to see it in printed form to truly appreciate it. And, as my mum said, “ebooks might be great…but they don’t have this new book smell!”
Experience the new book smell for yourself! Buy one today!
Read Moreit all starts with an idea…
Karen said, more or less, “I want to make comics.”
Karen, Guan and I used to meet up to write far more regularly than we do now (well they still meet almost weekly, but I only dip in from time to time). As well as writing, we use each other as a sounding board, we talk about all sorts of crazy things and egg each other on to ever higher realms of creativity. We call ourselves, somewhat tongue-in-cheekingly, the Hive Mind.
So when Karen said she wanted to make comics, we thought it sounded like a great idea. And as the Hive Mind knows, when Karen has a great idea, it’s worth jumping on board because Things Start Happening.
Before we knew it, we were signed on to the Plan to Take Over the World, which involved pulling together an anthology of 5-page comics on the topic of depression. As you know, I have had a long association with the black dog, as have K and G, so the topic really resonated from the outset. As well as that, we all love comics. And making things. And collaborating. So much resonance.
(You can read all about this from K’s point of view at her blog)
After months of work from a bunch of writers and artists, and untold hours of slaving over a hot laptop by Karen to try and corral us all into some semblance of a team, we have a finished product. We call it Kinds of Blue.
We are so proud of it!
I wrote one and illustrated one of the stories (Eating the Blues), and also illustrated one of Guan’s stories (Labyrinthine). I also did the layout of the whole book.
It has taken me a lot of time to get to a point where I’m happy with my work in this, mainly because I kept comparing it to all the other contributions! There are some stunningly talented artists on board, with a wonderful variety of styles. I think that’s one of the things I love most about the book, is how the angle on depression every story takes is completely different, and also looks completely different. But today, I think I reached a milestone, or a watershed, or whatever they call those moments. While I was flipping through the drawings onscreen, I realised I actually do like my work. It has its own style, and its own things to say.
Anyway, the huge news is that we are trying to raise funds to publish it ourselves. We went live with the campaign yesterday at midday and the response has been unbelievable. At the time of writing, we have already raised 55% of the money we need to print the book and launch it. I’ve been so touched by the response, especially on Facebook, with heaps of people liking the book – and not just clicking ‘like’ but actually saying what they like about it. Many people can already see that this book will be a useful resource for them to talk about the topic of depression, or even just to understand better what it’s like. It can be a bit hard to read at times, especially if you’ve ever struggled with depression yourself, but I like to think that although there is necessary darkness, there is also light.
Intrigued? Want to get on board? Read it. Like our page on Facebook and tell other people about it. Check out our page on Pozible for more info on how to pledge. You can pledge any amount you like, though upwards of $30 will also get you a copy of the book sent to you when it’s released.
And then, oh man, we are going to party.
Read Morewe’re on a mission from God
(I think I used that post title last year, but since I *still* haven’t updated my blog archives it doesn’t really matter)
This week I’m on mission with a team from Moore College. The college does this every year, sends the entire student body, with staff and chaplains, to various locations around the city, state, and even overseas (this year’s OS team has gone to Hong Kong). It’s an exciting and exhausting week, full of big conversations and meeting heaps of new people. We do everything from up front preaching and stuff at church services and Bible studies, to helping move furniture and looking after kids.
This year I’m at Ashbury, a little suburb in between Ashfield and Canterbury, full of Catholics and Greek Orthodox. The church, St Matts, is in the middle of a residential area, but has a huge block of land and great resources. Now all it needs is more people! If you want to read about what we’ve been doing, check out my posts on the Moore Mission blog. Or if you have a bit more time, you might like to read about all the missions.
For my part, I am thoroughly exhausted already. Having come off a couple of fairly intense weeks that also involved some big mood drops, it’s been a challenge to even turn up, let alone be a functioning member of the team. I’m sure I hide it pretty well to people who aren’t close to me, but I’m trying to be upfront about it and have been encouraged to say when I need to rest or stop and not be worried about it. It’s at times like this I realise that pride is a big problem for me! I don’t want people to think I’m not capable or letting the team down. But rest and being wise about it is more important than putting on a brave face (and of course everyone is great and understanding, and it’s mainly in my own paranoid brain that people think I’m a lightweight).
So please pray for us as we work hard this week, and pray that the people we come into contact with would hear God’s word faithfully spoken.
Read Morefoggy
I wish I had positive things to write about. It’s not that anything bad has happened, it’s just that I’m in one of those phases where the fog is getting thicker and the positives are starting to seem very dim, even though they’re still there. I’m sure it will blow over soon, but I’m struggling not to feel overwhelmed and teary all. the. time.
I feel yuck about myself. I started Weight Watchers a few weeks ago and have already lost 4.6kg – yay me! But instead of feeling invigorated, all I see in the mirror is this blobby person who will never be a healthy weight (which is so untrue). Probably sitting around in my pyjamas doesn’t help.
I have been doing some design work and enjoying it and thinking that it is looking pretty good. But instead of that boosting me, it’s just making me feel tired and like I won’t be able to meet the upcoming deadlines because I’m already out of puff.
College and church are both great, and it is wonderful to spend so much time immersed in the word of God. And yet I still feel like a fake, like I have no right to be at college, like I’m being flaky at church.
Basically, looking at that list, what I’m doing is being waaaay too hard on myself. I can see that. I keep trying to think about how I can be less tough on myself, how I can just relax without feeling like I’m being lazy, and wondering where on earth this level of self-criticism came from. And the only thing I can say with any certainty is that God loves me. He cherishes and values me. And this season will not last forever – even if I wrestle with this depression for the rest of my life, it is but a blip from an eternal perspective.
Just got to keep looking up and clinging to the hope I have in Jesus. My Bible reading from Isaiah 35 last night helped immensely to refocus my view. What a glorious picture this is!
The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; they will see the glory of the LORD, the splendor of our God. Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.”
Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs. In the haunts where jackals once lay, grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness; it will be for those who walk on that Way. The unclean will not journey on it; wicked fools will not go about on it. No lion will be there, nor any ravenous beast; they will not be found there. But only the redeemed will walk there, and those the LORD has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.