foggy
I wish I had positive things to write about. It’s not that anything bad has happened, it’s just that I’m in one of those phases where the fog is getting thicker and the positives are starting to seem very dim, even though they’re still there. I’m sure it will blow over soon, but I’m struggling not to feel overwhelmed and teary all. the. time.
I feel yuck about myself. I started Weight Watchers a few weeks ago and have already lost 4.6kg – yay me! But instead of feeling invigorated, all I see in the mirror is this blobby person who will never be a healthy weight (which is so untrue). Probably sitting around in my pyjamas doesn’t help.
I have been doing some design work and enjoying it and thinking that it is looking pretty good. But instead of that boosting me, it’s just making me feel tired and like I won’t be able to meet the upcoming deadlines because I’m already out of puff.
College and church are both great, and it is wonderful to spend so much time immersed in the word of God. And yet I still feel like a fake, like I have no right to be at college, like I’m being flaky at church.
Basically, looking at that list, what I’m doing is being waaaay too hard on myself. I can see that. I keep trying to think about how I can be less tough on myself, how I can just relax without feeling like I’m being lazy, and wondering where on earth this level of self-criticism came from. And the only thing I can say with any certainty is that God loves me. He cherishes and values me. And this season will not last forever – even if I wrestle with this depression for the rest of my life, it is but a blip from an eternal perspective.
Just got to keep looking up and clinging to the hope I have in Jesus. My Bible reading from Isaiah 35 last night helped immensely to refocus my view. What a glorious picture this is!
The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; they will see the glory of the LORD, the splendor of our God. Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.”
Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs. In the haunts where jackals once lay, grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness; it will be for those who walk on that Way. The unclean will not journey on it; wicked fools will not go about on it. No lion will be there, nor any ravenous beast; they will not be found there. But only the redeemed will walk there, and those the LORD has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
Flags
I’ve hit the Greek weeks wall. I still am excited to be at college this year, and even fascinated by the Greek we’re learning. I am just so overwhelmed with all the new information plus all the new people I’m meeting, while the rest of life continues to barrel on.
The depression flags are starting to pop up. Extreme exhaustion. Inability to think beyond a few hours ahead. Forgetfulness. And this morning I started crying on my drive in to college, not because I was sad, or for any particular reason other than just being overwhelmed.
I need to pay better attention to the flags. So I went home at morning tea and slept til mid afternoon. I had to cancel something else later in the week just to get some space. I have to remind myself these things are okay; it’s about being able to stick at this for the long term, so looking after myself in the short term is required.
Read Morevitamins
I keep meaning to say that I have noticed something recently that is kind of a ‘duh’ realisation. Although I have been taking multivitamins on and off for a few years, I had recently stopped for a while, simply because I ran out and couldn’t afford to buy more at the time. Over this most recent vitamin hiatus I had gone through a bit of a mood slump.
I started taking them again a couple of weeks ago, and I have to say that they have made such a difference to my mood and how I feel physically. I know with a lot of those sorts of things it can be hard to tell whether they work or not (“where do we get these placebos?!!!”) but in this case, Swisse Women’s Ultivite is doing me lots of favours.
So note to self – vitamins are worth the cost.
Read Moregrillage
Had a great dinner at Dave and Lisa’s last night. In true Dave style, he grilled me on all sorts of things, namely what the next few years will look like for me, what my plans are during and post-college, etc.
I do enjoy these sorts of conversations with him, because I know he is trying to help me think through the big questions and clarify my motivations for things. And he also gently points out things he is concerned I haven’t thought of (he doesn’t think he’s gentle, but he is pretty good at this and Lisa’s around to soften the blows if required).
The main things we were trying to think through is what to say yes to and what to say no to, where my strengths lie, and what ministry might do to someone already struggling with depression. I have the problem of negotiating the tension between ‘this is what I’d like to do’ and ‘this is what I will have the energy to do’. I tend to look at each prospective ‘project’ in isolation, instead of seeing the big picture and how everything fits into that, and although this sounds ridiculous, I tend to forget I’m dealing with depression and forget to factor it in.
So I think “hey I’d like to get more involved in youth ministry so I can start putting some of what I’m learning into practice.” And I notice there are gaps in the youth leaders’ team at church next year. So I volunteer to do youth ministry.
But I’m also still doing music ministry for church.
But I’ll also be doing college almost full time.
And I haven’t factored in non-lecture study time, plentiful rest time, exercise time, etc.
There is so much good work to do. But I don’t have to do it all! And as Lisa pointed out, just because I say no to something now, doesn’t mean I’m saying no to it forever. It’s just for this time.
Still chewing this over. But I do greatly value the people God puts in my life to help me along in my walk with him, and to help me think through how best to do the work he has for me to do.
Read Moredisclosure
So the depression thing hangs around, and especially rears its ugly head for me when I am extremely busy, which leads to mega tiredness. For short periods, I tend to be able to run around like a crazy thing getting lots of stuff done, but it usually tends to be the Stuff of Least Resistance. If it’s anything complicated or anything that will take me too long, I tend to leave it til later, and keep busy with the easier stuff. Unfortunately, that means the harder stuff starts to pile up.
But I always think “I can do it, it’s okay, I can do it…I’ve just got to extend that deadline…or avoid that person until I can get it done…” This is a terrible technique for obvious reasons, leading to stress, anxiety and guilt when I let people down. I had a friend who was waiting on something from me today gently rebuke me, saying “communication is the key”.
I fully agree! But when do I communicate? Do I say at the outset, “look I know I’m fully capable of doing whatever it is you’ve asked me, but you should know that I might not get it done when I say I will, and it’s not because I’m lazy but just because I struggle with depression”? Do I just do my best and then when I find I can’t manage, say “I’m having issues with depression at the moment, and I am sorry but this is going to be delayed”?
Both tactics make me feel guilty and like a total hypochondriac. I know depression is real and I know it is something I am very slowly working through, and some days I will be good and other days I won’t. But it just feels like such a cop out to admit it.
Dave has said to me more than once that he’s startled to remember I have depression because I seem so capable, like I’ve got everything under control. That’s because I want everyone to think that! And, to some extent, I am still that person which is why I keep saying yes to things when people ask me to do stuff. Because I want to still be involved, I want to contribute, I want to use the gifts I have. And yet…it doesn’t do anyone any good when I fall over.
If you were working with someone who had depression, how would you prefer to work around it? Would you want to know upfront (and maybe choose to work with someone else)? Would you want to be told at any stage of the process?
Edit to add:
I started to read CJ Mahaney’s series on procrastinating and but stopped because I was feeling too guilty, then had to remind myself that a large part of the reason things slip by me is because I’m unwell (I also wonder about the whole ‘procrastinatrix’ title of this blog…this is constantly reinforcing to me that it’s in my nature to procrastinate). Probably where the guilt thing comes in is because there is some truth there; I do procrastinate. But the depression completely warps it.
Read MoreHow long, o Lord?
Each day is a fight, to varying degrees. A fight for joy? A fight to stay afloat? A fight against this silly black dog, who I forget about even though he’s always skulking along behind me. Some days I don’t notice the struggle, it’s just part of the momentum of the every day. And other days it feels like to even see beyond the next five minutes is impossible, like I’m stumbling around in fog.
I’ve been sick for a while with some coldish thing, got better, went away for the weekend, then got sick again. It’s been dragging on for weeks now, with headaches and nausea and aches and pains and the blah blah blah of symptoms that are so boring to describe because they are just so mundane. They sound, even to me, like excuses, like hypochondria, like psychosomatic nothings.
But today I woke up feeling much more okay than I have for a while. I felt like moving. I felt like doing something. So I did some yoga to ease back into things (not that my exercise is ever what you’d call strenuous!). I felt great. Had some yummy food for lunch. I was starting to feel like just blobbing at home but no, had things to do! I was up and energised! I could achieve them! I got in the car and drove to the inner west…
And then my brain kicked in.
“What are you doing? Why are you at college? Why did you think you could do this? You’re only part time now, what’s it going to be like when you’re full time? You shouldn’t be at college. You shouldn’t be at college. You haven’t even done the readings for the last couple of weeks. You’ve only been to half the lectures. You shouldn’t be at college.”
And on. And on. And on.
Eventually my common sense kicked in and went “hey that’s the depression talking, snap out of it.” So I rang my mum for a reality check, and wise as ever, she reminded me I’d been sick, run down and tired from the weekend away. And that whenever I felt like that I had to look after myself and remember that I needed lots of rest.
But by the time I was sitting in my class at college I felt the nausea and headaches start to hit again. I thought I could tough it out. I mean, it’s only two hours, right? But at the mid-class break one of my friends walked past and said “Bec! You look terrible!” and I thought “right. I’m going home.”
The drive home seemed to take forever. But eventually I got home, put on my trackies, got out my Old Testament textbook and did the readings for class while in bed under my blanket. After a couple of hours I still feel a bit blah but much better than I did.
Sometimes depression feels like a tangible enemy, to the point where I feel I can echo David’s words in Psalm 13 and cry to God, wanting to know when this season of my life will end. It’s been years now! Will I always feel like this? Maybe, maybe not. Will I ever have boundless energy and stamina and ability? Maybe, maybe not (though all signs point to no…I mean who does, right?). Does suffering depression mean that God loves me less? Of course not!
As much as the enemy is prowling around, the closing stanza of this psalm is ever true. May I ever trust our gracious God, and go wherever he leads me. He’ll give me what I need to do the work he wants me to do.
Read MoreHow long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?How long will you hide your face from me?How long must I take counsel in my souland have sorrow in my heart all the day?How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.I will sing to the LORD,because he has dealt bountifully with me.
(Psalm 13 ESV)