Rehearsal was after a long day at work, in a place I’d never been before in the western suburbs. I had never met the other actors, and we only got the script last weekend because of various problems with volunteers having to pull out (one of whom was the writer/director, so the whole thing had to be rewritten by one of the actors). Actually I was a ring-in because an actor had pulled out, and we even had another actor pull out this week, so the girl replacing her was even newer than me. So the whole thing has only come together by the grace of God, really!

I was already feeling low because of tiredness and being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. Then I realised that they are all active actors/drama people. And that really threw me for a loop. One is a working actor, one is a drama teacher and one has just graduated from drama school. And then there’s me, who hasn’t properly acted for at least 10 years.

I don’t know why this slammed me so much. I sat there, watching the girls do their monologues and thinking “they’ve actually put effort into this, they actually know what they’re doing…they’re going to regret asking me to do this…”, and dreaded my turn to perform. It was like being at a cold audition, suddenly jumping up in front of strangers and doing a monologue at them. I apologised my way through the rehearsal, and rushed my lines, and was touchy when given direction…I could see myself behaving this way, saw that it really wasn’t helping anything and couldn’t understand it. I told myself to calm down, and tried to be gracious and thank the scriptwriter and take on suggestions and slow down.

It came together well, and everyone was positive and reassuring. But all the way home I just felt stupid and sad and fraudulent. And the little positive voice, although barely audible amongst the waves of negativity, kept saying “you’re fine! Don’t worry! It’s just a little skit, and your bit’s only two minutes long! It’s okay! God will use you!”

So I tried to reflect on why I had felt so bad. Two main things, aside from the tiredness.

1. My part is that of a pregnant woman, who can’t wait for her baby to arrive because “you have no idea how long I’ve waited for this”. I was bemused that I was cast in this role when the script went around, and was basically told, well, we’re all single, childless women, so someone has to do it, you’ll be fine.

I realised last night I didn’t really want to get into the mindset I needed to do a convincing job (ie, not just a cariacature); that it felt like if I didn’t try to do it well I could end up being insulting to the countless women who will be at Equip and will be feeling sad and anxious about issues of childlessness; and that even though mostly I am okay about not being a mum, thinking too much about waiting for a child makes me feel bone-wearyingly sad.

2. I have changed so much since theatre was my life; there are people I know now who never even knew that ‘other’ me. Now, I don’t mind the changes that have taken me away from wanting a life in the theatre, and I love how God has shaped me and grown me since my uni years.

But the thing that upset me was the change in my demeanour, in my outlook since being struck with depression. I feel like the black dog has eaten parts of me, or like the depression is an acid that has burned giant holes in my fabric…if I’d had the energy last night I would have tried to draw it, because it’s hard to explain.

I used to be so excited about performing, about the medium of theatre. I could see exactly what to do to communicate a thought or emotion, and how to do it (though I’ve always been a better director than actor). I had energy. I had projection. I had passion. I loved being part of an ensemble and making plays. And now, even though depression-wise I’m nowhere near as bad as I’ve been in the past, it’s like that me has dissolved. It’s like I’m missing parts of my personality. I almost resented the other girls for being in touch with that, when I couldn’t access it anymore.

It’s hard to explain. But I think maybe the sad feeling was grieving those things. They aren’t huge, insurmountable issues to deal with. But they definitely tripped me up.

Hearing talks on heaven at Equip this weekend will be good for me!

I always thought that was a stupid term, but since I started working in Rydalmere, which involves a 50-60 minute drive each way in heavy traffic, I am beginning to understand. You really do need to don armour and develop a tough mindset to get out amongst that every day!

Today the traffic war started almost as soon as I’d left the house. Turning onto a roundabout a block away from my house, and I believe I had right of way, a man in a Mercedes sped up right behind me. I was doing 50 down this residential street (as is the law) to the intersection only about 100 metres away and he overtook me, angrily zooming down the wrong side of the road into oncoming traffic just so he could be one spot ahead of me.

Madness!

In the last few weeks I’ve seen a lot of that. People pushing in so they can be first. People screaming at other people because they are obeying the law. People deliberately harassing other drivers on the road. It’s so easy to take the bait and get angry in response, to gesture or swear or yell or speed up just so that other person doesn’t win. But win what?!

Today I resolved that instead of getting angry in traffic, every time I felt frustrated I would try to pray instead. I know it sounds sanctimonious, but I just thought, why is that not my first response? I should pray that God would make me gracious, and that he would calm everyone around me down.

So that’s my resolution. Do you pray for people around you when you’re out and about? I realise that for all that my church talks about being real with the world and the Bible talks about loving our neighbours, I rarely step out of my little bubble and remind myself that every single person I see is loved by God, whether they acknowledge it or not. And I should try to see them the same way, as precious to him, and not just as objects that are costing me an extra 60 seconds on the road.

Here I am, graduating from Moore Theological College, with a Diploma of Bible and Youth Ministry.

Kim was the fourth year ‘big sister’ who organised my little prayer quartet at college. I knew her from AFES days, and now that she’s graduated with a Bachelor of Divinity, she’s gone back to AFES to work at UNSW, sharing the gospel with students. She is a wonderful woman and I was blessed to share my life and prayer with her and the other girls in our group, Jacquie and Grace.

Doug was a student minister at Wild Street and graduated with a Bachelor of Divinity too. He’s one of those brilliantly smart dudes, but who also has an interesting sense of humour and a tireless servant heart. I was inspired by the way he and his wife, Jayme, taught the senior youth group kids last year.

My mum and my godmother, Freda. These women are two of the brightest Christian lights in my life, who have always prayed for me and loved me and longed for me to have an ever deeper relationship with Jesus. I love them.

The Hive Mind! Guan is still at college for this year, and Karen did the Diploma of Bible and Ministry a few years ago. They are my creative cheersquad, ever supportive and inspiring.

Here I am, with pink hair and cat ears, at Supanova Melbourne.

This look got a very positive reaction from my Facebook friends! Karen and I were in Melbourne at Supanova, a pop culture convention showcasing just about every nerdy thing anyone could be interested in – comics, anime, cult TV shows, sci-fi/fantasy/comic book movies, sci-fi/fantasy/horror fiction writing, costumes…oh it was great. Karen has written about our weekend in fine detail here, but as a brief summary, we gave out about 1200 promotional postcards directing people to the Kinds of Blue website, and we sold (or gave to Key People We Like) 28 of the 30 books we had taken with us. We were blown away by the sales – we had really not expected to sell that many. In fact, the people on the table next to us selling a horror novel were quite envious as they hadn’t sold many at all. I was really pleased by the reaction of most people, that it was a valuable book to be in existence, and that it was really well produced.

I’m really looking forward to Supanova Sydney in June, when we’ll do it all again!

Here I am, with pink hair and no cat ears, at WildKids.

Straight after getting back from the huge Supanova weekend, I went into helping out with the WildKids holiday program, which this year had the theme ‘Wild about science’. We explored God’s world through science, and explored what he had to say from the Bible about living in his world. Each day we would do experiments, which then had a link into illustrating our situation with God. The kids really loved it. We had over 75 kids each day, and an impressive team of volunteers from Wild Street who took the week off work (or part of the week) to come and help out. I’m praying that many of the kids will have understood the gospel message, and that, through God’s grace, the seeds we have sown will one day bear fruit!

The kids were really taken with this one. When we did revision each day, and asked them what we had done, most kids got the key point, “we messed up the world”, but there was usually at least one who yelled, “we put SLIME on it!!!!”

It’s been a busy time, but one that has been full of blessings!

So why not write?

We’ve been in our little South Hurstville house for about a month. Man, that went fast! There is still a pile of mouldering cardboard boxes outside that the removalists promised to pick up and never did. But aside from that, the boxes are unpacked, pictures are hung and most things have a place.

It’s a marvellous house, really, and it immediately felt like home. The first couple of nights I was a bit frustrated by the road noise when trying to sleep, but now I hardly notice it (I had little choice but to get used to it once I investigated the cost of double glazing the windows!). Right now, it’s completely silent, which is nice.

Mum graciously gave me the larger room, because I had so much STUFF, despite weeks of culling before we moved. The wardrobe I was going to use broke in the move, so after a mad dash to IKEA with Lachy I got a brand new one and put it together with help from Amelia. I haven’t quite worked out the best way of storing all the craft and Tupperware stuff but it does fit. Mum has reached frustration point with her bedroom so I think another trip to IKEA is on the cards in the near future.

The garden is going to be a constant source of joy and toil, I think. The back third of the yard is a total rainforest, save for the little path winding its way through the spider webs and ferns. The previous owners had owned three houses in a row and landscaped the backyard as one big yard, so the vision has been somewhat truncated by needing to divide the yard back into three separate blocks. Even so, I love our little wilderness. I’ve done a few hours each week and it’s starting to look useable again. I even have a garden elf (aka Virginia) helping me on occasion – in fact she did a masterful job of clearing a very enthusiastic jasmine plant on our first day in. When I get another burst of energy, I’m going to start growing vegies again, as I have missed the excitement of watching things grow (and then eating them…mwa ha ha).

True, it isn’t perfect, and we’re still getting used to the area. There is a bit of an ant problem (I discovered a comprehensive ant nest inside a curtain rail this morning, which was most unpleasant). Most of the windows don’t open thanks to a careless painter. But they are really very small things. We’re living in our own house! It’s marvellous!

The first thing I want to note about it is how wonderful it is that we can meet in a crowded shopping mall and do this. We can sit in public and read the Bible (on our phones) and pray aloud, and we barely even get noticed, let alone harrassed. I am so grateful that we live in a place where we can take our religious freedom for granted, compared to other places in the world.

The second thing is I am amazed at the change in me and proud of the young woman L is becoming. When I was her age, I would barely read the Bible (even though I was going to church every week), and would have been mortified to do something like pray in public. I’m grateful for the excellent Bible teaching and pastoring that people of L’s age in our particular Christian circles have had. It’s certainly much more robust than anything I had when I was a teenager.

And third I am so, so grateful for the living word of God. We are reading Philippians, which is probably my favourite book of the Bible. And already it has shown so much to us about living upright, godly and unafraid lives for Christ. Today we read the end of chapter one, where Paul says “for me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” It reminded us that while we are on this earth, even if life seems pointless or frustrating or hard, it is because God still has “fruitful labor” for us to do.

We also talked about heaven, and what a great party it’s going to be, and why would you choose not to go there? And no matter what suffering we face here, it’ll be nothing compared to how awesome heaven will be (or how awful hell will be – but thank God we don’t have to go there!). We like talking about heaven. I mean that’s the whole point, isn’t it? To strive and work and persevere so we can get to heaven and be with Jesus. Why wouldn’t we like talking about it?!

Maybe I’ll find the energy to do that soon. Apologies.

Being back at the Maroubra house is weird though. All the cupboards and shelves are empty, except for the things we’re still using (eg clothes, kitchen stuff). Mum and I are both completely exhausted, but muster the energy every so often to make up another box and put yet more of our stuff in. It seems we’ve thrown or given away or sold so much of our stuff, and yet there is still so. much. stuff. It’s good to cull. But hard. And wearying.

But after Tuesday, when the removalists take all our furniture over, we will be finally moved in and no longer living in between two houses. Less than 48 hours but it seems so far away!

It’s taken all my energy at this weekend I’m away on at the moment to stay here, and not to drive home for the night as soon as dinner finished. And It’s not like I’m having a bad time! I’m just so thoroughly drained from being with people all day. I look at those playing games and having hilarious, raucous conversations with great envy.

The tiredness from too many people also exacerbates emotions because i was already feeling a bit low, it’s just made me feel incredibly sad. And to compensate for feeling rotten, and to try and keep my energy at a level where I can participate in even a short chat, I’ve eaten far too much fatty and sugary food. Which doesn’t help at all.

Sometimes I really hate being an introvert.

Well it arrived today! And after finishing a particularly gruelling typing job, I rewarded myself by reordering the pantry. I know, to most people, this would not be a reward. But it pleases me so greatly to see everything all neat and boxed up like that.

Ahh. Much more space. Plus I cleared out a whole other set of drawers that had pasta and rice in it. Order! The illusion of control! Four different kinds of flour and four different kinds of sugar!

I love it.

It’s kind of a grim process, sifting through the material remnants of my life and finding I don’t want to keep any of it.

If I ever become a famous author, I’m sure future archivists will weep at the thought of all the juvenilia I’ve just thrown in the recycling, but I can’t even bear to re-read it. Out it goes.

I open a box of CDs. CDs! (will the current generation have less stuff to cart around because more of it is digitally stored, I wonder?) Each album reminds me of a time or a person…many of them I don’t even care to recall, and yet I have carried these CDs with me. I don’t want them anymore but I don’t want to get rid of them…and yet if someone came and took them all away, I would be none the less for it.

Boxes of scripts from university plays. T-shirts and programmes from those shows. My old year 12 shirt, signed and scribbled and defaced by my classmates.

Much of it is in the bin. Some stuff will go to Vinnies. Some will be spread out on our driveway on Saturday at our garage sale, hoping to find another home.

And none of it will be coming with us.