limbo
I’ve been trying to write down in my notebook how I am feeling at the moment, just to try and untangle the mess of unhelpful thoughts bashing against each other in my head. I haven’t come up with much, just long lists of things.
I thought I’d try and set goals, because apparently that helps you achieve things in life. But the problem is I’m finding it really hard to actually define anything I want to aim for. I’m thinking this is the depression cloud fogging up my vision, because really there are so many things I could do. But I start to think about anything beyond next week, and it’s just blank. I feel like Sara in the Labyrinth, running along the wall outside, unable to see the entrances that are right in front of her and starting to panic.
The only goal I’ve had any success with so far is losing weight. I aimed to lose at least 5kgs between October and December, and I lost 7.5. Which is great! I have to keep remembering that this is great.
But work…what do I want to do? Get money. How do I want to do that? I. Don’t. Know.
Living…where do I want to live? Here. I don’t want to move. My friends are here. My church is here. We have space and a yard and a spare room. But we can’t afford to live here. So where do I look? I. Don’t. Know.
I started asking, well, what’s the point? And I know what the point is. My point of being here is to glorify God. In my life, in my speech, in my thoughts, in everything. And he has never failed to provide for me. I trust him.
I’m trying to be still, and meditate on that. But keeping the panic at bay and not crying and not despairing and not descending into a spiral of “what a mess of a life you’ve made” is really quite hard.
God, give me strength!
red and black
[feel free to hum strains of the song from Les Mis as you read*]
Christmas is over. People are away. Everything’s quietening down. So that means – time free to sew without procrastinatory guilt!
My favourite colour combo at present is a bold black and white IKEA print with a plain red for contrast (though they don’t seem to have the print I’ve used on their website anymore). I love their fabrics for bag making, as the prints appeal to me, the weight of the cotton fabric is heavy but not upholstery-fabric-heavy, and the fabric is reasonably cheap.
I’ve made two tote bags out of this combo, and two cushion covers that Karen commissioned. I had just enough left to make a camera tote bag for my new Canon 60D!
I don’t much like having to deal with zips or velcro when carrying a camera about. I like to just be able to pull the camera out at whim, shoot, and put it away with a minimum of fuss. Of course that means that the bag isn’t so great from a security perspective, but with the short straps it will always be close to my body so I’m not bothered by that so much.
I also used the padded, velcroed inserts from an old camera bag to create the partition, which can be removed if I need to use the bag for bigger things. The red lining is some old fat stripe corduroy that gives the whole thing a nice, cushiony feel.
This is probably the first successful bag I’ve made up completely out of my head. Woo hoo! Seems the skills I have learned from other bag making patterns have stuck!
It’s not the first total original I have attempted – I still have a bag for Little that’s 3/4 finished and a bag for Hendry that is pretty much done. I made both of those up, but I’m not completely satisfied with them…they’re kind of prototypes I guess, but since I don’t really do factory-line assembly I guess every bag is unique, so to call them prototypes wouldn’t be quite correct. I think it was more that both Little and Hendry commissioned me to make them, and I felt like the workmanship needed to be better than my usual efforts if money was actually going to change hands (cushion covers are a little simpler!).
But I am very happy with my camera bag. So maybe it’s time to finish these other bags and release them to their owners!
* I remember seeing this in London, and previously I had overlooked this song, much preferring the twittering of the female roles** to the militant dude songs, but on this occasion was particularly captivated by Marius’s verse: “Had you been there tonight you might know how it feels / to be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight”. I was such a romantic, swoony teenager.
** though Cosette always was a pain.
making music
So we made a CD!
I think everyone was surprised that I actually managed to keep it a secret, given how much I go on about every tiny little detail that crosses my mind. But Lachy and I decided to pool our collective talents and make a Christmas CD. He had written a couple of Christmas songs a couple of years ago, and talked about recording them for his mum as a present, but never got around to it. So we added our favourite traditional carols, mucked around with them a bit and came out with a pretty pleasing finished product. I did some nifty graphic design, we sent it all off to a secret laboratory overseas and in less than three months, voila! The Christmas Project!
It makes mothers and grandparents cry! You know it must be good!
We’ve given out a few copies as Christmas presents, but if you would like to hear previews or download it yourself it’s even available on iTunes and CD Baby (the latter is where we got it made and is cheaper).
Get it now! You only have three days left until it becomes irrelevant for another 11 months!!!
(Lachy just pointed out that Jesus’ birth is not irrelevant, but listening to Christmas carols out of season may not be your thing, and, indeed, may be a social faux pas.)